I have been in therapy for around 20 years and I am well versed in how to treat myself and how to treat others. I even have degrees in communication and conflict management, yet when the disordered part of me kicks in, there is no stopping it. I don’t adhere to these tools all the time and I found myself finding a sense of relief like a valve opening yesterday when I finally lashed out at a friend who I have devalued and I saw a door open to shame her, so I did. I am oddly not embarrassed or feeling guilty like I normally do because I deem I did something wrong. I feel accomplished instead.
For anyone who isn’t aware, BPD is possibly formed somewhere in the DNA, yet various forms of abandonment during those important childhood years such as birth to teenager form our disorder due to lack of parenting, feeling unwanted, lack of stability and you get the picture. I will testify over both my dead parents bodies that they had no fucking business bringing any children into the world. Between the 2 of them, there are 6, possibly 7 of us and none of us grew up together because the parents created us and then gave us away over and over and over again so they could folly in their lives free of responsibility. My mother was the alcoholic abandoner and my father the religious fanatic where I kept sinning so I wasn’t allowed to live with him either. Yes, the thought of them makes me sick currently and anyone in my adult life who tries to parent me falls into the same category making me sick to my stomach and defensive.
After almost 2 years of getting to know a lady 13 years older than I, I began noticing her making statements which I refer to as, “trying to break me.” These are the codependent statements that stand out like red flags to my ears. Things like starting a day out by saying, “are you feeling better today,” when I wasn’t feeling less than the day before. Constant praise for the strangest things and many statements to imply that she is more than me for reasons of being older than I and her own fucking lack of security which has nothing to do with me. I have ignored it over and over until I finally did the mature thing and threw up some boundaries so her fucked up world doesn’t intertwine with mine. After hearing her claim ALL men are stupid and assholes and my favorite, “ALL women get raped,” (I have mentioned this before and obviously am not over it), I said stop and I won’t talk about those things. My statement clearly said, “I refuse to stew in anger or use negativity toward others.” She claims to have been raped by her x-husband and either she wants to normalize this behavior so she feels better or she is trying to lessen the severity of it having happened to me. I wish I had never shared personal things with her, however I was just trying to be vulnerable on my own accord and see how it feels. Well FUCK that!!!
I shut down communication for a few days and then opened the door a little to see how that would go and due to the amount of anger I have over her building statements, and regardless of my boundaries I applied and lack of time for her to practice them, I shut her down by using comparison after she recommended me to a doctor for my spine and I found the doctor repulsive and a fluke. I felt the tail end of my wits and when she asked how my ‘new’ doctor was I let the beast loose. I don’t have to use finger pointing tactics, yet I am a fond practitioner or passive aggressive behavior.
With each word I shared with her about what an asshole the doctor was, I hope it cut into her in ways she would learn to never ever intrude into my personal life again. Mission accomplished, because she had many apologies to which I said nothing and instead, I felt good that she attached to the guilt. I am not familiar with this new feeling of grandiosity I am experiencing and I am sure a therapist would question it, but to me it is like I topped her and she learned the lesson.
This my friends is how the effects of abandonment manifest in we the adults who live with BPD. Failed relationship after relationship and let’s see how many more I can rack up. I do see the acknowledgement of the behavior as progress, so now I will work with that and in the future, maybe set up my boundaries the first times I begin noticing the codependent behaviors coming from others.
I appreciate anyone who has read through this and I hope it reaches someone else so they don’t feel alone in their behaviors that can be complex and hurtful.